So I finally finished my 8th treatment and my 16th lumbar puncture. All thats left now is recovery and 2 years of maintenance treatment. Should feel good, should feel relieved, right? Well to some degree I do, but I also am starting to question what kind of future I can expect for myself, how likely I am to get ill again and such.

This started the second day of my last treatment when a nurse gave me a paper for an organization that is basically "Make a wish" for terminal people over the age of 18. Should I expect to die in my prime? Was this given to me mistakenly, or am I terminal even though I'm in remission? I know what I've suffered can be deadly, and I also know there are no guarantees in life cept for the unavoidable final day.

Admittedly, the idea of having a free wish is pretty enticing, but the whole thing creeps me out, and the idea of going through more of the hell I've experienced this year scares me. I dont like to think that my future and death may involve me spending days undergoing painful treatments until they no longer work.

Perhaps Im thinking too much about it... I mean I havent even bothered to check it out yet. For all I know they might review me and say "NO, fuck you, you're not dieing anymore" or perhaps I might get something I've always wanted (which I honestly cant think of any wishes right now.) Either way, Im not comfortable with the term terminal being close to me.